Hello (with a hand lifted up). I ain't an actress, but to pretend alright or to seem happy while inside incoherent, that's my major. I don't know why, I'm not sure why, I cried myself to sleep last night, in my bed. There's even no particular matter in my head, it just that I got carried away, perhaps?
I don't know whether this incoherent is either because fear of losing or struggling in missing or worse accepting impossibilities. Not sure. But probably all three rolled into one, huh? Don't you think? Since yesterday, while all should be delighted (yeah of course I'm elated), but deep inside, I smell fear. Yes. Fear with a big F.E.A.R.
I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't even start to involve (or in other word bother, or went deeper). But, who can't stop it? No one, man. Not a single lad. Heart is not a train that follows its track, heart is the most stubborn (I dunno, organ?) that always out of track no matter how hard we wanna make it keep on track, agree, no?
So, as usual, a quitter (or maybe fact-accepter or the-one-who-wanna-be-in safe-zone) like me always have this phase on mind - 'go for more distraction than anything else because I can't handle spending the day with my thought'. And so I drown in my book (luckily it works, alhamdulillah) which keeps me out of reality, keep me anxious from cover to where-I-stop-right-now (and hope to the end cover too). This is what I call my chill pill. :) But it's running out, or to be exact I'm on my way to finish reading it. Just a lil bit more.
this is the book :P
Trust me, english novels really get into you when you drown in it. The feeling is indescribable amazing plus infinity awesomeness. How the scenes were pictured, it's beautiful. The choice of words, razor-sharp. The language, simply cool. The characters, great. No doubt. If you have the same interest as mine, you'll understand what I'm trying to tell, yes?
But wait! I almost reach the end cover (nearly finish reading, and I can't slow down of course). And for that, thanks to my lil sister that suddenly appear very-understanding-whereas-she-dunno-nothing. What did she do? She SUDDENLY gimmie (lend me, act) another 'chill pill'! It is hers. I just freaking-yeay-jumping inside, was like 'yeay! another supply.' Double great plus double blast, isn't it? *wink*
second chill pill - Saranghaeyo, Arumi!
Yeay! *still jumping inside* I'm looking forward to read this. A malay-lower-teenage novel (my lil sis's standard I can tell) but I can guarantee myself it is freaking interesting. I am excited to read this since my study plan for this month can be said... flunk? Don't blame me, I was topsy-turvy to survive alone. *hand's up*
Another yeay-ing news for my lil heart. On this Saturday, which is two days from now, I'll be out to Tasik Kenyir for hols (with family)! Yeay! A trip to release the trapped feeling inside. After three days there, we'll be heading straight to my kampung halaman which is in Terengganu too. So, around five days away, I do need that, to be far away (though I know my heart isn't, but at least it's an effort, no?). I do look forward to all these. Excited, enthusiastic, and all other 'E' words that can describe my feeling right now.
It's not that I'm not good at expressing myself out (but that's the fact anyway), I just wanna cheer myself up with happy stuff so that I won't be too focusing on my grief and sorrow. Understand, no? T'sal I wanna say.
XOXO,
Ivory Blue (a.k.a Ivy or Liz)
p/s: Hey, now this is me talking! I found the lost track of me, myself. Seems like my writing skill (or what else to call?) is getting better, than foregone. The recent me, my writing is too ridiculous-lost-entahapehapeentah. I lost, and now and later (I hope) will keep on like this. :)
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