I finally khatam jugak my Tunggu Aira Di Kota Bandung, within... err two days plus? As Kak Nir pun kinda dedicate buku ni to those yang pernah kecewa dan terluka, haha. Thanks Kak Nir for being the part yang buka mata ni, bagi kesedaran sikit though I don't mention which part of your kalam that I mean. You can say, literally all. Then, I suddenly teringat the post that I owe you. Here you go then.
I started the year feeling afraid to lose (kalau tengok balik last year punya post I ada mentioned), and I also mentioned I wanna figure out what truly was that feeling, aite? And so, the year begun. Tengok masa hari first sekolah punya la syahdu, sampaikan nyanyi lagu Sempurna - Andra & The Backbone tu pun dah berair mata sampai Ell pun suruh stop takut ada pulak bening beranak sungai nanti.
Then, few weeks passed and I was jaw-dropped by a news yang dia tolak offer cause tamau tinggal sekolah. My reaction that time? Kenapa dia tolak benda baik? Totally inverse dengan apa I felt before. Tapi, tak tipu la bila cakap half of me kinda relieved. Dan sungguh, bila, kelas pun same block, floor, and only separated by another class. Sungguh, mata tu tak reti duduk diam, kepala pun terteleng ke kiri sokmo, Ell dah faham sangat, sampaikan dia pun kadang-kadang jadi tukang bagitahu (kebetulan memang 88 kali ulang alik, apa kes? sampai sekarang tatau kenapa).
What else can I say bila tiba-tiba unit uniform pun sama, sampai me myself terketar-ketar tangan pengang kertas bila speak f2f, sungguh buat malu okey? What more, one day kita orang bertiga (me, Nik, and Dil) otw ke tuition from masjid and we stumbled upon dia dekat bus stop seberang (rupanya rumah dia kat situ). Actually, break sejam jadual tuition kita orang pergi maghrib dekat masjid. ...and the feeling kinda started to bloom blossom gitu deh. Tipu la kalau tak, sebab bila tiba-tiba my surrounding berkait banyak sangat dengannya seolah-olah telling me that it was the part of my fate, tipu la kalau tak terbuai-buai pekenama waktu tu kan? Dah la bumped on each other pun more than once, belum lagi time hujan lebat tengok dia ambil budak which is adik dia? Siapa tak fall deep into the endless hole then?
...and tiba la sampai waktu I know something, start from the pandangan kawan-kawan, to the rumors, to the tengok-dengan-mata-kepala-sendiri, to the pengakuan, to the pengesahan up until now. (Duh! I hate to recall). Dah la orang tu tak lain tak bukan one of my adik junior yang paling rapat satu kepala nak merapu tahap slumber buat kawan gitu. Tipu la kalau tak terkilan, tipu la kalau tak rasa aura mortification towards friends yang selama ni tukang support tukang sakat, tipu la kalau tak rasa disgrace kan? Sampaikan ada yang soal, selama ni aku serius ke? Sebab trang tang tang aku buat muka toya feelingless stone gitu. Tipu la kalau aku cakap aku stone waktu tu (only outside yeh). Gila main-main? Aku dah sampai ke tahap I clarified it's a positive, the pulse doesn't lie.
The feeling? Rasa macam kena hempap dengan batu pekenama, (more to malu sebenarnya) sampaikan I've learnt a lesson not to speak up what's inside to others, and that way, I grew up to be more matured. Sungguh la orang kata every cloud has its silver lining. Dan saat I'm that uncertain, feeling out of place, hadirnya pula err.. senior? Ex-senior? I never figured that out up until now. Yang macam a trainer, guardian, as someone older yang ada sense of responsibility la kiranya. Lagi dua words tu macam tak kena sebab jauh pun nak penuhkan scale of qualification. But whatever it was, it kinda give me hope and new shine saat dah hampir tersungkur beribu batu ke dalam. All those caring words (yang I suddenly realize that it was just a motivation) make me sekeras mana pun nak nafikan, I can't. Tak banyak pun sikit, I was enamored. Tapi nasib baik the past (yang tak berapa nak past sebab tinggal sisa lagi tu) have thought me to be realistic, so when I got to know I'm no body pun actually, that gradually dia sendiri pun disappear, the impact on me wasn't big, at all. Macam impulsive force dah di-lengthen-kan dia punya time impact.
Again, syukran alaihi sebab tu and rupa-rupanya hadirnya tak lain tak bukan nak suruh aku ni ada la hati nak pandang buku, sedar la diri tu sikit nak SPM (that time), nampak la sikit hala tuju in future, tinggi la sikit expectations dekat diri sendiri, ada la sikit motivation untuk achieve more than I usually did. Subhanallah. Indahnya percaturan Dia. *muka baru sedar* Sungguh la, it was just a journey of my life. Masa motivate orang lain pandai pulak aku cakap dia orang ni sebenarnya signboard yang tunjuk kita arrow to the right path along the way (our highway of life) supaya tak sesat, untuk menuju ke arah kejayaan dalam hidup, untuk temui the right one somewhere someday, and the most importantly untuk jumpa dan kenal Dia. Insya-Allah kheir. May this journey leads me towards yang hak, bukan yang batil.
And so, I dunno why, exactly on 19th Sept, I've made up my mind to left all those behind, so I can keep moving on, no more mushy mushy, and don't look back. Getting over someone means you are able to face the other party without feeling any hatred or anger or pain. And a total no-no to treating 'em like strangers. Fair enough huh? I'm in progress to reach that point and insya-Allah I can make it with His help of course. And for now (at least until I meet the real flame), I have to agree to what the heartbroken SPM leaver teenager Benz said...
"Love is a bloody mess."
True. Indeed. Yes.
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