Take a chill pill, Liz!

Hello (with a hand lifted up). I ain't an actress, but to pretend alright or to seem happy while inside incoherent, that's my major. I don't know why, I'm not sure why, I cried myself to sleep last night, in my bed. There's even no particular matter in my head, it just that I got carried away, perhaps?

I don't know whether this incoherent is either because fear of losing or struggling in missing or worse accepting impossibilities. Not sure. But probably all three rolled into one, huh? Don't you think? Since yesterday, while all should be delighted (yeah of course I'm elated), but deep inside, I smell fear. Yes. Fear with a big F.E.A.R. 

I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't even start to involve (or in other word bother, or went deeper). But, who can't stop it? No one, man. Not a single lad. Heart is not a train that follows its track, heart is the most stubborn (I dunno, organ?) that always out of track no matter how hard we wanna make it keep on track, agree, no?

So, as usual, a quitter (or maybe fact-accepter or the-one-who-wanna-be-in safe-zone) like me always have this phase on mind - 'go for more distraction than anything else because I can't handle spending the day with my thought'. And so I drown in my book (luckily it works, alhamdulillah) which keeps me out of reality, keep me anxious from cover to where-I-stop-right-now (and hope to the end cover too). This is what I call my chill pill. :) But it's running out, or to be exact I'm on my way to finish reading it. Just a lil bit more.

this is the book :P

Trust me, english novels really get into you when you drown in it. The feeling is indescribable amazing plus infinity awesomeness. How the scenes were pictured, it's beautiful. The choice of words, razor-sharp. The language, simply cool. The characters, great. No doubt. If you have the same interest as mine, you'll understand what I'm trying to tell, yes?

But wait! I almost reach the end cover (nearly finish reading, and I can't slow down of course). And for that, thanks to my lil sister that suddenly appear very-understanding-whereas-she-dunno-nothing. What did she do? She SUDDENLY gimmie (lend me, act) another 'chill pill'! It is hers. I just freaking-yeay-jumping inside, was like 'yeay! another supply.' Double great plus double blast, isn't it? *wink*

second chill pill - Saranghaeyo,  Arumi!

Yeay! *still jumping inside* I'm looking forward to read this. A malay-lower-teenage novel (my lil sis's standard I can tell) but I can guarantee myself it is freaking interesting. I am excited to read this since my study plan for this month can be said... flunk? Don't blame me, I was topsy-turvy to survive alone. *hand's up*

Another yeay-ing news for my lil heart. On this Saturday, which is two days from now, I'll be out to Tasik Kenyir for hols (with family)! Yeay! A trip to release the trapped feeling inside. After three days there, we'll be heading straight to my kampung halaman which is in Terengganu too. So, around five days away, I do need that, to be far away (though I know my heart isn't, but at least it's an effort, no?). I do look forward to all these. Excited, enthusiastic, and all other 'E' words that can describe my feeling right now.

It's not that I'm not good at expressing myself out (but that's the fact anyway), I just wanna cheer myself up with happy stuff so that I won't be too focusing on my grief and sorrow. Understand, no? T'sal I wanna say.

XOXO,

Ivory Blue (a.k.a Ivy or Liz)

p/s: Hey, now this is me talking! I found the lost track of me, myself. Seems like my writing skill (or what else to call?) is getting better, than foregone. The recent me, my writing is too ridiculous-lost-entahapehapeentah. I lost, and now and later (I hope) will keep on like this. :)

The 48th day

As everyone in Malaysia knows (probably everyone), hari ni ialah hari result PMR keluar. Oh, and of course, aku antara yang menyemak nak pergi sekolah jugak. Hmm, aku tak tahu nak cakap apa, but I just wanna be there. Kongsi rasa.

Satu rasa yang aku tak pernah rasa, dup dap yang lebih dahsyat berbanding waktu aku sendiri. A long wait, 48 days, just imagine. And I was freaking jumping bila nampak dia senyum dari jauh. That time I was like 'alhamdulillah wa syukirillah' deep in my heart. It's a sign of good news. Sayu, entah kenapa.

Tak lupa juga ucapan tahniah kepada kroni aku yang resultnya alhamdulillah, sorang straight 9, sorang slack satu, 8. Dan dia? *simpan senyum dalam hati* Alhamdulillah, with a big proud in my heart, straight juga. I feel like crying in happiness that my prayers dimakbulkan Allah. It just that I feel so ralat until now that I don't even say a word, even a 'Tahniah' or 'Congrats' or even a simple-congrats-smile. What's on my head that time? Glad, proud, that I forgot to react. Dah terlalu dekat dan aku just get the chance smelted. *slap forehead*

Sungguh, rasa hati yang aku simpan 47 hari dan yang ke-48, rasa macam that feeling yang berbuku tu macam flew away out. Rindu, ya. That hard word for me to let out. Alhamdulillah and big congrats, kay? XOXO No words could describe how happy I am for you, how proud I am of you, and how glad I am just to be there watching you. Hamdan lillah wa syukran alaihi. *with a broad smile plastered on my face* Seni seviyorum~ (^.^)/

On loop button mode

1. Dia Atau Diriku - Ungu

Sampai kapankah kita akan bersama
Bila tak pernah ada perasaan cinta antara kita
Perasaan saling menyayangi

Sampai kapankah kita akan bersama
Bila kau hanya bisa mencintaiku separuh hatimu
Separuh kau mencintainya

Sungguh tak mungkin, sungguh tak bisa
Kita kan bersama bila kau masih membagi cinta

2. In My Remains - Linkin Park

Separate
Sifting through the wreckage
I can't concentrate
Searching for a message
In the fear and pain
Broken down and waiting
For the chance to feel alive

Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me

Come apart
Falling in the cracks
Of every broken heart
Digging through the wreckage
Of your disregard
Sinking down and waiting
For the chance to feel alive

School coming

Just now I went out to shop for school stuff for the upcoming school session, soon. Yes, soon. I don't feel like I don't like it since next year will be the last year forever I'll be a school student. Sad. But reality do hurts.

I didn't shop much, just my lil' sis bought so many stuff of hers as she already had ran out of those. I only grabbed a few. Masa ambil tu pun kena consider benda tu boleh pakai lagi ke kalau lepas sekolah ni. Semua duk consider macam tu, sedih betul. Even baju sekolah pun pakai yang lama lagi, been four years. Biarlah, last. Haha.

Semua duk fikir last je. Sedihnya. Bakal jadi senior, a SPM candidate. Fuh, apaper pun in shaa Allah everything will flow greatly. As usual, I'm out of words, so bye-bye before I blab any longer here. Bye. 

Accepting... accepted!

I was at a point where I feel hard to accept the changed situation. Bukan semua benda yang kita suka boleh berlaku. In the other hand, sedar tak sedar kadang-kadang benda kita tak sukalah kita kena learn to accept. Sejauh mana pun kita ketinggalan, Allah will save something for us in the future. Pegang pada benda ni, in shaa Allah there will be no green with envy, ye tak? 

Before this, I was been asking myself whether I can't accept because of I really care or because of envy. Deep inside I know it was more to envy, and I know it was no good at all. So, I fight with my thought. Hey, if you know you can never get it, why should you bother anyway? Can't you just let it? Bukan susah pun, nak tamak buat apa de? Tak salah tumpang gembira atas other's happiness.

Heh, it's been too long since I didn't write and my talent got rusty. See? How flaw my writing is? Macam mana punya tak sampai maksud sebenar yang aku nak sampaikan. Heh! Asalkan aku faham sudeh. Lately nak kata busy tak la busy mana. Tapi tu la, mood pun takde. Serious, aku dah malas. Malas dalam macam-macam hal. Haila, haila. Tahapehape. Dah la, aku dah lost of words. Adios!

Vicks, Minyak Cap Kapak, Yoko Yoko

It's been a week since December started. But all my plans? It was all wrecked. It's because I caught a fever. Three days since Monday. At that time, Vicks, Minyak Cap Kapak tu, and Yoko Yoko tu je yang jadi peneman aku. Sungguh, demam tu sangat teruk. Dah lama aku tak demam macam tu, seingat aku, last masa form 2. Nangis-nangis aku kat sekolah masa tu sebab sakit plus tak larat sangat.

Dan sungguh, aku refuse nak pergi klinik sebab suddenly aku sedar something. Yang kos perubatan terhadap diri aku sorang dalam keluarga aku, paling tinggi antara yang lain. Sebab aku kerap sakit. Macam-macam sakit aku kena. Aku pun tak boleh nak kata apa jugak, dah Allah nak bagi. Tapi tu la, macam menyusahkan parents aku je. Ayah aku dah la dah nak pencen, mak aku suri rumah je.

Tapi betul, hanya berbekalkan dua biji panadol setiap kali waktu makan ubat, and semangat dari mak, yang duk urut aku sana sini, yang paksa aku makan itu ini, aku sembuh tanpa pergi klinik. Masa aku duk nangis-nangis hari pertama aku demam tu, sambil duk urut kepala aku ni mak aku duk cakap "Ni maybe kafarah Allah nak bagi, sebab kita banyak dosa..." and so on. Sungguh, air mata yang keluar tu bukan just sakit, tapi terharu plus sedar diri sekali. Alhamdulillah.

And aku demam bukan demam biasa. Siap sakit perut lagi. Trust me, demam plus sakit perut sangat-sangat tak okey, okey? Maybe sebab aku tak makan. Then, lepas muntah sekali, aku slow-slow start makan. Paksa diri jugak. Memang berat. Aku tak suka sakit, tapi aku lah yang paling kerap sakit dalam rumah aku ni. Macam-macam la. Hmm, yang lawaknya, elok je cuti ni aku makan dua kali sehari, lepas aku baik demam ni, mak kemain lagi paksa aku makan banyak-banyak. Nasi dalam pinggan kemain banyaknya, tak pun saja je masak benda aku suka, haha.

Apa-apa pun aku bersyukur atas segala kekuatan yang Allah bagi kat aku, ujian ni semua, tanda Allah masih sayang kat aku, kan? Dan aku harap, apa yang aku duk plan ni boleh la berjalan dengan lancarnya. SPM wehh! Haha.

Wake up from a long rest

Selepas sebulan tak pandang buku langsung, I mean buku ilmiah, asyik berchenta dengan novel aje, sekarang dah tiba masanya nak berchenta dengan buku-buku ilmiah pulak. Petang karang nak menghadap rak buku la, kemas apa patut. Mesti lama, haha.

Buat kali terakhir (mungkin), aku nak kosngsikan dengan korang few movies yang aku layan bulan lepas. Yang aku rasa best. Kalau korang free, tengok la. Jangan lupa pelajaran sudah. Yang aku recommend mesti la best, kan? Haha. Jadi aku malas nak buat summary. Aku bagi link je, kay?

1. Special Investigation Unit (Korean) - Click Here

2. Never Ending Story (Korean) - Click Here 

3. Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War (Korean) - Click Here 

Now I realized, lately aku asyik layan movie Korea aje, hahaha. Okey la, sebelum misi mengemas bermula, aku nak layan movie (Melayu okey?) dulu. Doakan kejayaan aku dalam misi ilmiah aku ye? Haha. Macam lawak pulak bunyinya. Salam alaikum readers! :)